The way things are right now!

Hello again everybody,

Well I hope that you have had a great start to your weekend! I am praying that my weekend goes WAY better than my week went! There was sooooo much that happened it was not even funny!

My sister is being so disrespectful to my mom and it is not a laughing matter. She has been given so much yet feels she is sooooo privileged to be able to demand for more! What a spoilt brat! So I had to deal with her crying about mom, and she lied to me this week and made me feel bad about my mom.

I had a friend have a boy issue and it happened to cut into my time with my husband, and caused my husband to become upset with me. By the end of the phone call with him I was in tears. All is ok now, but it was just hard to go through!

My children did nothing but scream and cry this whole week. My son got my cell phone and called his daddy on accident, he then took crayon and colored on almost all the tiles in the kitchen and front door area! What ever a 2 year old can do, I think he did it this week! All of this brought on more frustration!

All the fish in our fish tank have kicked the bucket and I am trying to explain it to my 2 1/2 year old who doesn't quite understand. I am feeling sooooo guilty that I have killed the fish even though I really didn't do anything different than my husband does. However, I can't clean the filter, so that is a bad on my part. Anyways, the fish died off and I just sat down and cried!

I have a HUGE paper due in my Effective Writing class and soooo do not want to work on revising it! It is due Tuesday and needs to be between 7 to 10 pages. My professor gave me a lot of notes so that will be very helpful!

On top of all of this, I started. I was not suppose to have a period anymore, because I had an ablation performed. It was not a absolute that I wouldn't but I prayed so hard I thought I wouldn't. SO my emotions were kicked into high gear this week, so after everything that happened I CRIED!

I am just so frustrated and want my husband here with me to hold me! I need his arms around me so bad that I would do anything to have it right now! That saying, "You don't know what you got till it's gone." is so true. Not that I didn't appreciate my husband before, but, it sure is way different without him! For me going through changes has always been a very hard and difficult thing regardless if it is big or small. There are certain nights that the feelings of uncertainty I had as a kid come flooding back into me as I go through this time in my journey! I get a knot in my throat and have all these fears flood my mind, and then I become sick to my stomach. This use to happen all the time to me as a child and when I turned 19 and met my husband, I began to lose that fear. Well almost 8 years later it has returned! It grips my life and makes it so difficult for me to break away from. I feel like when the knot starts in my throat, that someone is taking one of those neck braces with chains and putting it around me. It drags and holds me down tightly with little room to breath or move! And of course every ones response is, "Well just pray about it." I know their answer is well intended; however, if it was that simple, it wouldn't have this grip on me! It makes me wonder if those women that have committed suicide, had this same fear that I have! It really gets that bad.

We are now on my husband finishing week 5 and beginning week 6 of his 16 week training! Only 10 more weeks to go! Praise God! Or according to the countdown on my cell phone, only 87 days, 7 hours, and 50 minutes remaining. (not that I am counting! LOL) I received great news from him, he has passed his National Law course and he did the mile in under the 13 minute requirement! Way to go baby, you make me so proud! :) He is currently out and celebrating these 2 accomplishments! Have fun baby and I wished I was there with you!

I guess that is another issue! Just to get out of this house would be so awesome! I feel so, I don't know, mundane! These white walls feel like they are closing in on me and I have no contact with the outside world! Even though people call and check on me, but it is not the same as getting to actually go out of the house. I am so praying that my dad gets to come and see me, because I am really about to blow a gasket! LOL! I have never been a homebody. It drives me nuts. I started taking my kids walking to the local park, however, since it has rained for the past 9 or 10 days, exactly at the time that we leave, we have not been able to go. For fun the other day, I took my kids to go put gas in the car. My son kept saying, "Mommy, go bye bye?" over and over, so finally I was like lets go. (Again it was raining so we couldn't walk). It broke my heart!

Anyways, thank you for listening to my week! I pray that everyone has a great weekend and a blessed next week! Feel free to comment!

Becoming a better me,
With my heart in His Hands,

Shauna